From www.snorgtees.com:
FOOD FOR THOUGHT
- If I were a zombie, I'd eat you the most.
- If life gives you lemons, keep them, because hey, free lemons.
- If life gives you melons, you may be dyslexic.
- Cholesterol, a fancy word for flavor.
- You had me at bacon.
- Vegetables are what Food eats.
- Bacon makes everything better.
- Keep calm and put bacon on.
- I'm an om-nom-nom-ivore.
- Becoming a vegetarian is a big missed steak.
- Strangers have the best candy.
SCIENCE AND MATH
- Dear Math, I'm not a therapist. Solve your own problems.
- If it weren't for law enforcement, physics would be unstoppable.
- Come to the nerd side. We have Pi.
- If I were an enzyme, I'd be DNA helicase so I could unzip your genes.
- There is a fine line between numerator and denominator.
- 5/4ths of people have trouble with fractions.
- Dear math, I love you ∞
- Six out of seven dwarfs are not happy.
ENGLISH AND HISTORY
- Forget history; Let's read about the future.
- I survived the Rapture, May 21, 2011.
- The only thing we have to fear is fear itself, and spiders.
- Rules of grammar: double negatives are a no-no.
- Unicorn: a single corn.
- History: it gets old.
- Dyslexics are teople poo.
- What the hell is an aluminum falcon?!
- Communists have no class.
ANIMALS / ZOOLOGY
- I was not aware that the bird is the word.
- Bigfoot: hide and seek champion.
- Leading causes of car accidents: speeding, texting, turtle shells.
- RAWR! Rawr means 'I love you' in dinosaur.
- Real life would be more fun if we rode dinosaurs.
- Warning: pandas are Bears.
- Hold your horses; even horses need to be held sometimes.
- Peter Cotton Ale; Now with more hops.
- To err is human, to moo is bovine.
TV AND MOVIE QUOTES
- It's a satchel....Indiana Jones wears one.
- It's peanut butter jelly time.
- #1 threat to America: Bears.
- One man wolfpack.
- Everyone knows hoverboards don't work on water.
GENERAL
- Never believe generalizations.
- I'm not afraid of the dark. I'm afraid of ninjas that hide in the dark.
- Pyros of the world ignite!
- I have not yet begun to procrastinate.
- I can't hear you over the sound of how Epic I am.
- Naptime: you don't know what you've got til it's gone.
- Checkers: because chess is too difficult.
- I support recycling. I wore this yesterday.
- Warning, if zombies chase us, I'm tripping you.
- Sarcasm is the best thing ever.
- Bob Loblaw's Law Blog: Lobbing Law Bombs.
- I got to second base with a TSA screener.
- If it were easy, it'd be your mom.
- I'm confused....Oh wait, maybe I'm not.
- Auntie Em, Hate you. Hate Kansas. Taking the dog. -Dorothy
- I piss excellence.
- EVERYTHING is easier said than done. Except for talking. That's about the same.
- If you can't be a good example, be a warning.
From www.signals.com
GENERAL
- Catch a falling star...and you're toast.
- It's a dog eat dog world, and I'm still the pooper scooper.
- Grandma: just like mom but with fewer rules.
- I'm not going gray; I'm going platinum.
- I am fairly certain that given a cape and a nice tiara, I could save the world.
- Nobody likes a know-it-all. I'm certain of that.
- If I agreed with you, then we'd both be wrong.
- To save time, let's assume I know everything.
- If you want something done right, ask me how I want it done.
- Irony: the opposite of wrinkly.
- I'd rather be complaining.
- Protons have mass? I didn't even know they were Catholic.
- Can't talk; I'm in a time out.
- Don't kill the messenger. It sends a very strong message.
From www.NoiseBot.com
PERSPECTIVES
- I never finish anyth.
- I don’t get drunk; I get awesome.
- Yes I have a truck; no, I will not help you move.
- I don't need sex; the government screws me everyday.
- Can't sleep; clowns will eat me.
- Looking like a fool with your pants on the ground.
- Community college: easier than regular college.
- Dyslexics have more nuf.
- Mummies just want your toilet paper.
- 667: neighbor of the beast.
- Jesus saves. He passes to Noah; he shoots; he scores!
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From www.NoiseBot.com
GEEKS AND NERDS
- Back up. I'm going to try science.
- C:\DOS C:\DOS\RUN RUN\DOS\RUN
- Not weird...gifted.
- Explosives Technician. If you see me run, try to keep up!
- Textually active.
- Zombies: nature's way of pissing off science.
- CapsLock: cruise control for cool.
- Camp Anawanna.
ANIMALS
- Club sandwiches, not seals.
- Draft beer, not people.
- Como se Llama?
- Screw world peace. I want a pony.
- Hedgehogs...why can't they just share the hedge?
GEOGRAPHY
- Canadians: the "eh" team.
- Drop it like its Pluto.
- I know karate; and like, 2 other Japanese words.
- Texafornians.
From www.whatonearthcatalog.com:
ATTITUDE ABOUT LIFE'S LITTLE FRUSTRATIONS
- Patience is a virtue but flipping someone off feels better.
- Yo fish, bite me.
- On a clear night, I can hear the fish laughing.
- I like poetry, long walks on the beach and poking dead things with a stick.
- Careful, or you'll end up in my novel.
- Years of therapy go down the drain after one conversation with you.
- If idiots grew on trees this place would be an orchard.
- My family tree has some pretty twisted roots.
- If things get any worse I'll have to ask you to stop helping.
- If you met my family, you'd understand.
- Yes, Beer qualifies as an appetizer.
- In dog beers, I've only had one.
SARCASM
- National Sarcasm Society, like we need your support.
- Cloudy with a chance of sarcasm.
- Sarcasm, just one more service I offer.
- I've stopped listening; why haven't you stopped talking?
- Yet, despite the look on my face, you're still talking.
- I'm sorry, I don't speak moron.
- My zero tolerance policy includes you.
- My dog makes me happy; you not so much.
- Just be happy I'm not a twin.
NARCISSISM
- Everything I say is fully substantiated by my own opinion.
- My doctor told me walk 1 mile a day, so I got another doctor.
- I tried to get over myself, but I'm just too awesome.
- Please take a moment to appreciate my vast knowledge and experience.
- I'm sure you mean well. But I'm not sure you are well.
- Here I am. Now what are your other two wishes.
- I'm wonderful; just ask my mother.
- My mother is not overprotective. Right mommy?
- A team effort is alot of people doing what I say.
THOUGHT DISORDERS
- I'm not crazy...I'm sanity challenged.
- The voices in my head told me to buy more shoes.
- Buckle up; it makes it harder for the aliens to snatch you from your car.
- What part of moooooahaahahahaha don't you understand?
- Life is a circus, and I'm stuck in the freak tent.
- Meddle not in the affairs of dragons, for you are crunchy and good with ketchup.
- What I really need are minions.
- Some days, it's not even worth chewing through the restraints.
HEALTHY AGING
- Guess my age and win a fat lip.
- So far this is the oldest I've ever been.
- I'm retired; go around me.
- Old as dirt and just as lively.
- Not old, just delightfully retro.
- I'm not aging; I'm fermenting.
ATTENTION DEFICIT DISORDER
- I've turned procrastination into an art form.
- I'm not procrastinating until tomorrow.
- Instant human. Just add coffee.
- Easily distracted by shiny objects.
- My train of thought just derailed.
WORKPLACE HUMOR
- Just another poo flingin' day in the jungle.
- Empty Promises. Calculated Betrayal. Sociopathic Greed. Just another Monday.
- As a matter of fact, I did sleep in these clothes.
- Looking for my dream job where I don't have to be awake.
- You probably didn't recognize me without my cape.
- Computers do not damage your thinker thingy.
- To err is human; to blame it on someone else shows management potential.
- To err is human; to forgive divine. Neither is Marine Corps policy.
- To err is human; to arrr is pirate.
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